‘…Thank you for lending us your wedding rings…’

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During a wedding reception somewhere in southern part of Nigeria, the groom was called upon to give his vote of thanks to his guests and this is what he came up with.

“I want to first of all thank the Lord Almighty for creating my wife and to also thank the pastor and his wife for lending us their wedding rings. Special appreciation to my landlord who lent us his car. I am most grateful to my boss for approving the loan I used for the wedding. Big thanks to the committee of friends for the appeal fund they raised on my behalf.

Also to my brother’s wife, thank you for lending us your wedding gown. I’m so grateful to the cake designer for the cake. I promised to return it tomorrow morning as agreed. Special thanks to my friends who brought food from their homes to help me feed you all. Please for those who were served food good luck and for those who didn’t get any, well we will make it up to you during our child dedication ( hopefully next year). Very big thanks to my parents for bringing the village cultural band to supply the music as well as entertain us all here, today.

Not forgetting the church marriage committee, thank you for persuading my wife to marry me. Appreciation to the married men in the church for rushing me into this marriage. The women are not left out, thanks a lot for teaching my wife how to dance. To the youths thank you for sweeping and decorating this venue with palm fronts. I am also grateful to my teenage friends for helping with the Zobo (a locally-brewed drink).

Well, I wish you all safe journey and I pray you don’t experience what I suffered in this wedding.

Thank you!”

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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created
everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told
him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as
though he were ill, and asked, “Johnny what is the matter?”

Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going
to have a wife.”

On Board Naija Airways

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Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain Richard welcoming you on board Naija Airways. We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off. It was due to bad weather and some overtime I had to put in at the bakery. This is flight 126 to Lagos.

Landing in Lagos is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the south. If luck is our favor, we may even be landing in your village! Naija Airways has an excellent safety record. In fact, our safety standards are so high that even terrorists are afraid to fly us! It is with pleasure that I announce that starting this year, 50 percent of our passengers have reached their destination. If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off! To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and biscuits!

For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline that can help you find out if God really exits! We regret to inform you that today’s in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to Air Albarka, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window. There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we get a little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark!

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your seat belt. For those of you who can’t find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat, and for those of you, who can’t find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase.

Enjoy Naija Airways!”

The Euro-English 5-Year Project

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The EU Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

 

Idi Amin at Sumptuous Luncheon

For those of us whom English is not the first language, read on!

 Here is a speech delivered by the Late President Idi Amin of Uganda, at a sumptuous luncheon hosted by Queen Elizabeth II of Great Britain.

 “My majesty Mr. Sir, horrible ministers and Members of Parliament, invented guests, ladies under gentlemen. I hereby thank you completely.

 Mr. Queen, sir, and also what he has done for me and my fellow Uganda who come with me. We have really eaten very much. And we are fed up completely; and also very thanks you to keenly open up from all the windows, so that those plenty climates can come into to lunch.

But before I go back to my country with a plane from Entebbe the airport of London I wish to invitation you Mr. Queen, to become home to Uganda so that we can also revenge on you. You will eat a full cow, and also feel up your stomach and walk with difficult because of full stomach completely.

 “Even when you want to rest at night, I will make sure that you sleep on top of me in the top up stairs of my mansion completely so that you can enjoy all the gravity of flesh air.” “But now I am sorry because I have to tell you that I have made a short call on you only. But next time I shall make a long call on you to last the whole moon completely.

 “Thank you very much to allow me to undress you completely before these extinguished ladies under gentlemen sir.

 Lastly but not list, I ask the band to play our international anthem of the Republic of Uganda and also the British international anthem. “Your majesty sir, I thank your from the bottom of my heart and from the bottoms of all the people of Uganda.

 With these few words I thank you, sir.”

 

Caught up in a frenzy: Lawyer & Light bulb

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

“Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “The Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “The Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties.

The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part.”

 

New Rules For Employment

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. But employees’supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

The Management

Driver’s Fast Trick on Drunks

Three drunken men stopped a taxi. The driver noticed they were heavily drunk as he opened the door for them to enter. Wanting to play a trick on the drunk men to make fast money, he started the engine, turned it off, and said ”We have arrived at your destination sirs”

The first drunk man gave him his money, the second drunk man said ”Thank you” while the third drunk man gave him a slap. The driver was surprised. Thinking the third guy has realized what he did, the driver asked ”What was the slap for?”

The third drunk man replied ”Control your speed next time. You almost got us killed.”

A Store that Sells NewHusbands

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids,and are Extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor The Sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.